Judgy Judgerton and the Mahayaga

    Disclaimer: In the interest of fairness, I would like to state that this post is about being judgmental, and all the silly idiocy that goes with it.  Not all content is completely accurate, but it sure is judgy!

 I had a dream once (and by the way, I once again had another title for this post in mind, "Sexy Geisha Toddler", but I couldn't tell if "geisha" should be the adjective or "toddler" should be the adjective, or if either or both of them should never, ever be used as adjectives) that everyone woke up and decided to finally join the Universe.  That was it.  No trumpets or beams of light or even a cocktail party - it was just, "Duh, the Universe was waiting all this time, so here we are."  I stood looking at people going about their business, wondering if anyone was suddenly going to freak out, if people would become overwhelmed with their new status and start tearing their hair out or screaming, but no one did.  It had happened, just like it was meant to.
   In February of this year, a crazy event is going to take place in India, called the Dharmasooya Mahayaga.  For seven days, spiritual leaders from all over the world, and anyone else who wants to attend, either in person or online, will take part in this "Social Yajnam" - a joining with the Divine Presence.  Each day will have a different focus, but the overall purpose of the Mahayaga is to "generate, call down and transmit Cosmic Energy to the physical world, to all living beings and the whole Universe."  The general belief and impetus for the event is that we are at the end of a Kaliyuga, a spiritual Dark Age, and that "the present time is for the collective evolution of (hu)mankind" (let's hope this evolution includes more than one gender).  Whoa.  Being someone who likes to tie everything together in orderly little Meaning Packages, I immediately thought of my dream when I heard about this spiritual blowout, and decided I would contribute my part from the safety of my home.  The task I would perform?  I would stop being so judgmental.
   So, uh, I started already, and, uh, after about five minutes, I realized how impossible it is to just "stop being judgmental."  First I ride my bike to work, chanting, "Don't judge, don't judge, don't judge" with each pedal stroke, and then someone in a snow-covered car turns without signalling in front of me, and I can, for sure, tell this person's life story, "She was probably texting and looking at her GPS, because of course she's from the suburbs, and she has to find her way out of the scary city where there are cackling one-eyed bicyclists waiting around every corner with knives, and her other Volvo probably has a "Want Less" sticker on it, and bleh bleh blee!"

"How right I am!"

"Shit!  Ok, let's start over, Don't judge, don't judge, don't judge...."    By this time I'm home and I don't even know how I got there.

  Then I go online to look for some women's cycling clothes for spring (why not start in January?), and I get hit with Dress Up Baby Syndrome (also known as the Sports Clothes for Women Industry), which I had conveniently put out of my mind, and I pretty much forget all about being less judgmental, or even tolerably human.  Because now I look at my choices of jerseys, and, let's see.....We have pink

and blue

and pink

 and pink with blue

And for someone over the age of three, say six, there's lavender (with flowers)

and more pink

and more flowers

And then a cycling wear designer sticks his finger in a light socket or something and defaults his brain to Red Black White

Yes, that would be his finger.  You don't think these things are designed by women, do you?  Well, that's what I thought too until I saw this.  Say hello to freedom!  With these amazing "chamois panties", you have the freedom to do what every woman has always wanted:

Ride your bike in public in your underwear!  

According to designer Christiana Guzman, these panties are "stylish, thoughtful products for urban cyclists and everyday commuters."  The bloggers at http://bikewar.com/ exclaimed, "Why didn't we think of this sooner?"

Uh, because it's a really fucking bad idea? Yes, you can put pants on over them, but who wants to do that?!

This is The Bettie.  She would like us to Get Sexy With It.

   It was only a matter of time before things got this out of hand, really.  Up to this point, this is what you'd have to deal with if you wanted something "respectable":

These are high-end bib knickers from one of the most "respected" manufacturers out there - Assos.  Who do you think is doing the shopping, here?

I just like the boobies.

And the Daisy Dukes, I mean, "cycling shorts" that us Gettin' Sexy types have wanted all along?  There is no shortage, my friend!  Only a "shortage" where it counts (snicker snicker).

Craft decided to skip the formalities and just go right ahead and call these "hot shorts".

So you think, Ok, I'll look like Jonbenet Ramsey to save money on all that fabric that isn't there! Nope.  These will cost you just as much, if not more, than the men's shorts.  Because they're so Women's Specific and therefore Special.  Did the Emperor have to actually pay someone a ton of money for all that No Clothes?  Isn't the embarrassment of being horribly under-dressed and ill-prepared for actual bike riding enough?  Once again, Nope.  Shell out the cash, you Sexy Toddler, you!