Madame Blowhard Reveals Her Secrets

  Well, so much for the quick follow-up to my last post.  I'm sure you were all bouncing on your toes with anticipation....Or really, who cares?  For those of you who do care (sniff), I was taken by surprise by the flu, which promptly turned into bronchitis, as it always does.  I distinctly recall not having bronchitis so much when I drank more.  Hmmmm.  As my 100-year-old uncle used to say, "Drink scotch!  Beer will kill ya!"  Our Christmas tree had a lot of those little white plastic horses hanging from the branches when I was a kid.....

  So, ahem, now you've waited two weeks since the pink/blue freakout, and you're wondering what's next.  Being someone who is unable to handle all the empowerment that comes from riding the latest gran fondo looking like a stripper in diaper bag colors, I have searched, and cajoled, and whined and obsessed until I found quite a few clothing options for us less spicy hot sexy lady cyclists.  Some sources are more reliable than others, but you're guaranteed to walk (or ride) away with at least a few decent kits and your dignity intact.
  One item that I'm sure you've noticed is in short supply (besides high-visibility clothing - we like it dark and sexy, like cats) is bibs.  For roughly every 30 pairs of men's bibs, in all different colors, lengths, team replica patterns, levels of quality, etc...there's one rather bland pair of women's bib shorts, priced higher than 29 of them.  One could speculate endlessly as to why cycling apparel manufacturers don't think women would want to buy the Most Comfortable Shorts Ever, but then again, we're babies, and don't express ourselves very well.  As babies, we also don't seem to notice that when we buy bib shorts, we always spend between 20 and 50 dollars more for them, whether they have a special "pit stop access" feature or not (and really, does a buckle or an extra flap of fabric really cost 50 bucks?). Case in point - here is part of the glowing review from one of my favorite online stores, Team Estrogen, of the women's version of the Louis Garneau Elite Lazer bib shorts, a nice high-end pair of bibs (many of Team Estrogen's employees are avid cyclists, and give the products a good run for their money):

"...At the end of the ride, my sit bones were in good shape, I had no discomfort farther forward, and no chafing to speak of. I like that the center of the chamois tapers as it widens towards the leg, as that goes a long was towards making the chamois feel less bulky. The split back with the vented mesh not only eliminates the diaper-y feeling, but also helps aid in an overall better fit of the short. While not a compression short, the fabric is supportive, the feel of the fabric against my skin was wonderful and the lack of leg grippers made the shorts sooooo comfy on my large quads. No squeezy bulges! As mentioned in the FIT NOTES above, the straps are LONG. As a shorter person (5'4") I definitely needed to shorten them. I did that by hand, but with a sewing machine it would be accomplished much more quickly."

  So, these bib shorts, which still cost $200 over a year after they came out (you can find the men's on sale for $50 less), still have to be tailored once you've spent all that money.  At least Louis Garneau acknowledges that women cyclists have athletic legs.  Unlike some other companies we know of.

  Has this Assos model ever ridden a bike in her life, or supported her own body weight for longer than 10 minutes?  This is probably what I'd look like in these knickers:

Uh....

This brings me to Madame Blowhard's Biggest Secret of All.....
Women can wear men's shorts!  Because our Lady Thighs are more muscular, and there is generally more hip, a men's size is almost identical to the corresponding women's size in shorts and bibs.  I wear a Small in women's shorts and bibs, a Small or X-Small in men's.  And, I might be unusual, but I have found absolutely no difference in chamois, except that it won't be pink in color.  I've heard similar reports from other female cyclists.  In cheaper shorts, in better shorts - no difference in chamois.  A cheap pad is always a cheap pad, no matter what gender it's intended for.  Same for the good stuff. Ahh, enter the Inner Sanctum, my precious - you can go on nashbar and get the discontinued cheapo men's bibs and still look a hundred times better and be as comfortable as if you spent a whole week's paycheck on the dreaded Rube Specific.  I mean, Women's Specific.
  Now, for jerseys, or if you want a kit, things get slightly more complicated.  A lot of women would have a hard time fitting into a man's jersey properly, especially if a race fit is desired.  Luckily, there are cycling apparel manufacturers whose business is comprised mainly of custom orders.  These companies are used to making kits for teams of both men and women, and have a more realistic understanding of what a cyclist of either gender is looking for.  Most of the time you can buy from a limited line of single items in an online store capacity, but also these manufacturers will offer wonderful goodies like sizing samples and leftover team kits, as well as their own "brand kits".  Voler, Pactimo and Champion System are three well-known manufacturers in this country (the US).  Voler even makes everything in the US.  Yes, they still have some pink and blue (gads!), but not much.  I have seen Voler sizing sample jersey and bibs (stuff tried on by teams before they placed their order) for 10 and 30 bucks, respectively.  Champion System has a "brand kit" - bibs, jersey, vest, arm and leg warmers, shoe covers, for less than one pair of Women's Specific bibs from a more commercial retailer.  Pactimo has taken things further, and offers a "designer gallery", with eye-popping stuff like this, or this.  And yes, these are for the women, signature designed.  They are race-fit, full zip, with higher-end fabrics and still are very reasonably priced, with matching shorts and bibs.
  Some online retailers/clearing houses will develop their own clothing lines, and pass the savings on to you.  Performance Bike has been offering a "performance" line since 2013, for both men and women, that is pretty impressive.  They call it Ultra, and it features a race fit, coldblack fabric, compression, decent chamois, and power band legs and sleeves.  Both the men's and women's are black or white, with lots of reflective accents and subdued graphics.  The bibs and jersey are currently running under $130, which is pretty excellent.  Reviews of this line have been extremely favorable, and hopefully Performance will continue to carry it.
  Another way to get a kit that will definitely fit right is to buy your favorite LBS's kit ("favorite LBS" being the store that didn't tell you 650 wheels were "slower").  You can try everything on right there for size, and when you're riding your really fast road bike with the 650 wheelset, you can advertise that awesome shop with pride.
  Remember Team Estrogen?  Their prices are always closest to the MSRP, but they know what women are looking for, and manage to find the XS and XXS of any unisex cycling gear.  These sizes are often not even available on the manufacturers' own websites, so I suspect they make the smaller sizes just for sale on Team Estrogen.  I haven't contacted the company to confirm this, though.
  There is also ebay.  This is really hit-or-miss, but sometimes a search for "women's cycling team" or "women's cycling kit" will bring up someone from a professional or college team trying to get rid of her unused (or used) team gear.  Usually the bids are reasonable for these items.
  Lastly, if you want the high-end stuff, I still say, Get the men's version if you can!  All those fancy schmancy women's bibs have a male equivalent for less money, and probably in the right size.  If the company is based in a country where there are tiny French or Italian men, like Louis Garneau or Pissei, then there will be an XS pair of bibs (or even some jerseys) just waiting for you to enjoy.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, dammit!